


Love is Blind

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: But beautiful garbage, Crack, F/M, Humor, Other, Parody, Pinapple appreciation, This is literal garbage, i love this, total crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 08:20:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10917972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: 2 years after 7th year. Harry musters up the courage to tell the Weasleys who he intends to marry in a Christmas dinner





	Love is Blind

**Author's Note:**

> Twins are okay, the battle of hogwarts didn’t happen, Voldemort tap danced to death, everything is fine, I just wanted to make crack.

Neville was never one for theatrics. His Grandmother was a stern woman and his uncle was cruel, whenever he was humorous. As a child, he learned that children weren’t meant to be heard, just seen, and he did his best to be a decent child. Much like his other endeavors inside the Potions classroom, that idea always blew up in his face. And while he felt infinite relief when he got his Hogwarts letter - he quite frankly believed he was a squib - he quickly realized that school wasn’t any different from his home; he was always the almost-squib, the worthless one. Until, that is, he began to grow into his power and make friends with Harry and Ginny and Hermione and Ron and Luna. They really were wonderful. 

And life’s upside didn’t just end there. Neville survived Hogwarts, somehow, and became Professor Sprout’s apprentice. And it didn’t end there either. Neville looked down at his lap, a smile tugging at his lips as he saw the slender, pale hand that sat inside his large ones, like a pearl in a clam. Luna, perhaps sensing his thoughts of her, leaned into him. Neville met her periwinkle eyes, smiling softly - he still couldn’t believe he was so lucky to have her. 

Luna smiled, as if reading his thoughts. “I love you too, Neville.” She rested her head on his shoulder. Neville sighed, looking around the room. He was sure that if he died now, he’d die happy. Here, in the Burrow’s living room, watching the twins, Ron and Ginny play Exploding Snap on the carpet after one of Mrs. Weasley’s large Christmas dinners, sitting beside the woman he loved on one of the many couches. Truly, just another Weasley Christmas Dinner, just another slice of perfection.

That was, however, until Harry slammed the living room door open, a flurry of anxiety.

“Everyone!” He proclaimed, throwing his arms in the air like a madman, “I have something important to say to you.” Neville, as well as everyone else in the room, looked to where Harry stood in front of the doorway.

Mrs. Weasley stood, brows furrowing. “Yes dear?”

Harry stood tall, clearing his throat and staring at the room before proclaiming in his strongest voice (that of an average cabbage), “I’ve been seeing someone.” 

The room seemed to freeze for a moment before Mrs. Weasley crowed in delight, “Harry, that’s wonderful!” Then she paused. “Why didn’t you bring them to dinner? We’d like to meet them, Harry love.” 

“Yeah, mate. S’not like it’s a Slytherin - “ Ron began, only to yelp when a pillow hit his his head, courtesy of Ginny who, upon the pillow’s impact, smiled and went back to cuddling an amused Blaise Zabini. “ - okay fine,” He conceded, not wanting to start another pillow war quite yet, “well it’s not like they’re a former Death Eater, right?”

Harry shook his head, wrinkling his nose in disgust. “No, of course not. Actually, I did bring him with me to the Burrow - “

“Harry!” Hermione snapped, a scandalized look on her face. “You didn’t just leave him in the garden or something the entire time, did you?” Blaise Zabini snorted at her question, drawing a glare from the muggleborn.

“Don’t be stupid, Granger. Harry’s beau clearly had family he wanted to spend time with, or had some business meeting, or an emergency. He could only come in now. We probably didn’t hear the door open.” He logically explained. Hermione huffed, crossing her arms, but she didn’t argue the point.

“Actually.” Harry began, “Both of you are wrong. He was in my room the entire time - poor thing needed some time to himself.” Fred and George both arched their eyebrows, simultaneously smiling suggestively. “Let me go bring him in.” 

As soon as Harry stepped out, the room burst into murmurs of speculation. Just who could have captured their Harry’s heart with no one noticing? Fred and George quickly began a betting pool, with, to Ron’s utmost horror, Draco Malfoy being the top runner.

“Even you, Hermione?!” Ron gasped, staring at his girlfriend with an almost comical look of sheer betrayal. Hermione shrugged.

“You remember 6th year.” Ron sputtered before huffing and betting a sickle on Dean.

Blaise arched an eyebrow in interest, leaning towards the couple. “Excuse me, Granger, what’s this about 6th year?” 

“Ah, well…” Hermione flustered, “Harry was spying on Draco quite a lot that year…”

An absolutely sinful smile curled Blaise’s lips, sending shivers down Hermione’s spine. “So ol’ Malfoy had a chance the entire time....” He murmured, getting a questioning glance from Ginny. He snickered to himself but didn’t explain.

“Weirdo…” Ron murmured to Hermione, making the brunette snort. 

“Hey everyone, I’m back!” The entire room turned to Harry, who was standing proudly once more at the doorway, this time with his hands behind his back - a sight that quieted the room quicker than death. Mrs. Weasley's smile dimmed, straining itself. 

“Harry love, where… is he?” She anxiously inquired.

“Right here, Mrs. Weasley! Everyone, I’d like you to meet my true love, Takumi!” And with a flourish of Harry’s arms, they saw. And they froze. And they tried to compute.

Ron was the first to break the silence with the most manliest of squeaks, “Mate… you have a pineapple in your hands.” 

Harry continued to smile benignly, seemingly unaffected by the room’s shock. “I know. Takumi and I have been together for a good week now, and I don’t think I have ever seen a more beautiful soul.” Harry sighed dreamily, a small smile tugging at his lips as he cradled the fruit in his arms. 

Ron, the most tactful of the Weasley brothers, guffawed, “That’s a fruit, mate. Hilarious - you really got us going there - a pineapple.” 

“How dare you!” Ron’s smile faded - Harry’s exclamation wasn’t what he expected. Said raven haired manchild was watching the redhead with large, tear-filled eyes, his arms clutching the fruit closer to his body, seemingly unaware of how the spines dug into his flesh. “T-Takumi is such a good soul, he’s been so patient with me, and so kind - how could you say that? I love him so much!” Harry squawked, falling to his knees, crying outright.

“Mate… it’s a pineapple… it’s a dumb fruit.” But his words fell on deaf ears. 

The rest of the room snapped out of their stupors, shifting into activity as the reality of the situation set upon them. Mrs. Weasley and Hermione simultaneously shot glares at the ginger - Arthur Weasley shuddered in phantom pain of such a combination and picked his book back up, content with ignoring the whole scene -  and immediately went over to comfort the “poor dear” who only cried harder at Ron’s words. Ron, flabbergasted, watched as they cooed and pet the mousy boy, as if he wasn’t actually cradling a pineapple, whispering to it, “oh don’t you worry, Ron’s just a meanie…”. He turned to Fred and George, murky blue eyes begging for some kind of help, but the twins were holding onto each other, faintly trembling as they tried their hardest not to break out into laughter. 

Turning to Ginny, who was whispering in Blaise’s ear, he gestured dramatically at the scene unfolding before him. “You’re seeing this right?!” Ginny shrugged.

“You freaked out the same way when I told you I was dating Blaise.” She explained. “Frankly, as long as Harry’s happy and healthy, I could care less.”

“Because he’s a slimy Slyther - Ow!” Ron glared at his little sister, who once again threw a pillow at him. “Ginny! Bill, tell Ginny to stop throwing things at me!”

Said long-haired Cool Person™ peeled his lips away from his voluptuous veela wife’s face and murmured “Ginny, stop bullying Ron, at least in front of Mom. Any time else is fine, just don’t kill him.” And without a single hesitation, he went back to face fucking his hot, blonde, french wife like any sane man (or woman) would if they had access to that candy.

Percy shuddered, looking away from the lewd scene. He couldn’t understand, through the little brain he had left stuck in a head filled with ego, some could be so  _ tasteless _ . Besides, a pineapple is a perfectly respectable fruit. Better than a grape, and most certainly more acceptable than a banana - Percy was quite sure Takumi would make a wonderful addition into the family - he would certainly be more intelligent than Ron. And less disappointing. Penelope Clearwater - the physical manifestation of the stick that was shoved up Percy’s ass - grasped Percy’s hand, making the redhead smile. At least there was another sane person in his life.

Percy paused. He just remembered something.

“Hey Ginevra -”

“It’s Ginny.” said redhead hissed.

Percy continued as if she had said nothing at all, “Why are you taking this so well? Didn’t you have the biggest crush on Harry? Where the hell did that go?”

Ginny shrugged, snuggling into her boyfriend. 

Luna, who the writer just remembered was a part of the scene, passed Ginny a packet of papers, smiling in that creepy/dreamy/happy smile that’s practically Luna™ . “Here’s your script. We were supposed to look over it last night after the writer gave it to me, but I got distracted.” Ginny thanked the blonde with a  tip of the head and began thumbing through the script.

“Hmm… oh yes here it is.” She turned to her boyfriend and smiled sheepishly, “Well, Blaise love, I’m sorry to say but I was actually using you to make Harry jealous.”

Balise pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Do whatever you need to do, Ginny love.”

Ginny cleared her throat, standing up. Glancing once more at her script before tossing it to the side, she strode up to Harry and grabbed him by the shoulders.

“Harry!” She cried, producing fake tears like the boss ass actor she was, startling the raven-haired teen, who finished sobbing a couple lines ago and was currently grooming Takumi’s leaves. “I love you so much, how could you do this to me?! What does Takumi have that I don’t?” She wailed, and sank to her knees. Harry, bewildered, placed Takumi to the side so he could awkwardly pat Ginny’s trembling shoulders.

“Ginny… I love you too, but like a sister. I’d really respect if you could acknowledge my love for Takumi, because we… we were made for each other. He’s my soulmate.” Harry gently explained. Ginny sobbed harder. Eventually, her sobs reduced to sniffles and her “sadness” hardened into a jealousy sharper than a knife. She glared at Takumi and stood, suddenly looking much larger than her svelte, 5 foot figure would suggest. 

“Ginny? What are you doing?” Hermione hesitantly asked. Ginny, however, was in no mood to respond - she was in the zone. She walked up to the fruit and grasped it ardently, as ardent as one could grab a fruit, and chucked it with all her might, smiling in satisfaction as Takumi slammed against the Burrow walls, breaking in half with a sickening crack, leaving a streak of fruit juice as it sank to the floor with a thud. 

The rest of the room seemed to choke with tension at the sound. Fred and George, as looked at each other and then back at the pineapple, and then back at each other and then covered their mouths as laughter began to bubble from their throats. Blaise looked at the sight with the same morbid fascination one watches a car wreck, except that this car wreck was small and only caused a single fruit-based casualty. However, Percy looked upon the scene with sheer horror, feeling the weight of grief as it settled in - he had just lost his potential adopted brother-in-law.

_ What have I done?! _ He thought, feeling grief sing at his throat. 

“No!” Harry crowed, covering his mouth as he stared at Takumi, unable to drag his eyes away from the horrible sight. Mrs Weasley pulled the poor boy into a hug, rubbing his back as he began to sob and blubber over the loss of a pineapple. Eventually, she ushered the small hero to his feet and escorted him to his room so he could sleep just a tad.

As soon as he left, Percy snapped his head to Ginny. “How could you?!” 

Ginny snorted. “You idiot, I was supposed to be a jealous zealot and break the pineapple. Didn’t you read my Dramatis Personae for this scene? This is an Angst fic, right?”

Percy turned a red that was perhaps only a shade darker than his hair. Fred idly wondered if he could make a toffee that would turn the user that magnificent shade. “Ginerva! That wasn’t in the script because this was supposed to be a crack fiction! It’s about Harry Potter marrying a pineapple, why did you think that was an angst fic?!” He screeched. Suddenly, he froze as the implications of her actions sank into him. “You killed our future brother-in-law! The one I actually liked.” All 6 other redheads paused and looked at Percy, who flustered even further. “W-well, Ginevra, you broke Harry’s heart, legitimately, might I say.”

Ginny sighed and rubbed the back of her neck, feeling just a tad guilty. Maybe she was a bit hasty in her actions.

“Well… we do know what we need to do, right?” Hermione suddenly exclaimed. The room focused on her. “We need to fix Takumi! We’re already off script, we should try to get back and fix our mistakes.”

Ginny beamed, “That’s a great idea, what, with some superglue and magic, we can probably do it.” The rest of the room filled with murmurs of assent. “Awesome! Operation Fix Takumi is now under way! First, Forge and Gred?”

“Yeah?” One of them replied.

“Go get me some tape and superglue. Percy?

“Yes?”

“Get me some yellow paint. Ron?“

“What is it Ginny?”

She paused. “Actually, nevermind, you’d just mess everything up - go be a prat in the corner or something, we never need you, we even have the twins for comic relief.” 

“Hey!” He protested, feathers ruffled. Ignoring her brother, Ginny walked up to Takumi’s corpse, examining it with a steely look in her eyes. Ginny, in that moment, found a part of her filled with determination. She then made a promise to herself - she  _ would _ fix Takumi. For Harry.

 

Hours later, Ginny, along with Fred, George, Percy and Ron walked up to the very top bedroom. Ginny, at the forefront, looked into her arms. Takumi, in his bandaged state was frankly, quite sorry. His leaves were bent and a few were missing, his body awkwardly attached through a mixture of bright yellow duct tape and superglue, looking like everything but an actual pineapple. There was even an artistic element to it - Ron, in all of his artistic mastery, decided to add a finishing touch that truly made Takumi look handsome enough to sweep Harry off of his scrawny feet - googly eyes. 

Biting her bottom lip, Ginny knocked against the door. “Harry? I have something for you.”

“Ginny?” Harry called out from the other side of the door.

“Yeah?”

“...You’re a meanie for what you did to Takumi, you know that?” Ginny swallowed, looking down at the floorboard.

“I… yes.” she stated. 

“...Come on in.” 

Ginny let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding in. The small gaggle of redeads opened the door and entered the small room,  freezing just steps inside the doorway when they saw just what was happening. Harry, smiling, was sitting beside another pineapple, and was showing the pineapple Sirius’ letters. Harry looked up at their entrance.

“Hey guys.”

Ginny opened her mouth and then closed it. She took a deep breath, trying to quell the sheer fury that was growing in her stomach. “Harry,” She began in a very even tone, “Just…who is that beside you?”

Harry blinked, slightly confused. “Takumi, of course. Didn’t I introduce him to you all today?” he asked, cocking his head to the side. Ginny, now thoroughly confused, was saved from saying her next line when Bill walked in and placed a hand on her shoulder. 

“Yo, Harry, how’s Takumi doing?” he asked.

Harry beamed, “Wonderful! Thank you so much for fixing him, Bill!”

Bill laughed, “Of course, little man. Now, you and Takumi go have fun, don’t let anybody rain on your parade. See ya.” As he turned out of the room, Ginny grabbed his wrist.

“ _ Bill!” _ she hissed. Bill glanced at Harry, who was watching the altercation with a question in his eyes, and then shook his head at ginny, tipping his head towards the hallway. The gaggle of redheads shuffled to the hallway and all turned to Bill. “What the hell was that? That pineapple wasn’t Takumi!” 

Bill shrugged. “Well, how do you know?”

Ginny thrust the pineapple in her arms at Bill. “ _ This _ is Takumi. We fixed him.”

Bill stared at the Frankensteinian parody of a fruit. At this point, it was a partially rotting, barely held together lump of a thing made mostly out of duct tape and yellow paint than actual fruit. He looked up to meet his little sister’s gaze. “Yes you did.” 

Even a deaf person would’ve picked up that sarcasm.

Ginny growled under her breath and tossed Takumi away (if anyone was paying attention, they would hear the faint “noooo” in the background, which was from Percy as he watched his sister carelessly toss away a part of the family), disappointed in the failure of her first, and only major story arc, Operation Fix Takumi. Bill began to leave. 

“Hey wait.” Ginny called.

Said bother hey-ed and waited. “What’s up?”

“How did you get the pineapple?”

Bill looked at her oddly for a moment. “I conjured it. Like wizards do.”

Ginny blinked. “Oh right, we’re wizards.”

Bill snorted. “Besides, I just told Harry that Takumi was fixed by a spell I learned from curse breaking - Pinnapplello Repairo.”

Ron, who was sick and tired of being a background character, asked, “That’s actually a spell?” Bill turned to his youngest brother and wondered, just for a moment, why he was surprised that in 7 children, there was a dud. And then he felt infinitely thankful that Ron was not, in fact, the oldest sibling and therefore less powerful than Bill. 

Fred leaned on Ron’s shoulder and stage-whispered, “No. We lied to Harry.”

“Ohhh….” he murmured.

Before Bill could leave again, another question popped up from the gaggle of red, much to the Cool Person™’s irritation. “If Harry falls in love with an object’s souls, why didn’t he notice the difference in the pineapple?” Bill paused, coughing awkwardly.

“Well Fred…” 

“George”

“... close enough. Anyways, it’s from the same tree.” 

“Oh.” George said. He paused. “Wait a minute… so is Harry in love with the tree?” Bill nodded, biting his lower lip. “But doesn’t that mean that Takumi is…”

“....The tree’s child?” Fred completed, eyebrows arched. Bill nodded again, barely holding in his amused smile.

“So.” George began, choking down a laugh as the implications began to set in, “You’re telling me that Harry’s in love with a tree, so he’s marrying its children. And every time the child rots or something happens…”

“...I’m going to conjure another pineapple from that same tree, for the rest of time so Harry Potter can live with a the child of a pineapple tree he named Takumi.” Bill concluded, face breaking into a smile.The twins began to snigger, while Ron huffed, mumbling under his breath, “Anything for the Man who Killed Voldemort...” 

“Actually,” Ginny began, whipping out her script, “If you look at the author’s notes, Voldemort tap danced to death. Harry didn’t do jack shit in this AU, he’s just a weirdo.” The gaggle of redheads crowded around the script to see it for themselves. 

“So does the Author assume that we like Harry or something?” Fred asked George. 

George shrugged. “Who knows with that woman?”

  
  


All the while, in the third to last bedroom in the Burrow, the room  was pitch black, only be illuminated by the full moon’s light, gently flowing in through the window. There was a soft rustle in the room, but it wasn’t from Penelope Clearwater shifting closer ever closer to her beau. No, Miss Clearwater was downstairs scowling at the twins for “having fun at such an indecent hour.” It was of course in that moment when the twins realized that Miss Clearwater and Percy did intend to get married, and that their children would have to live through both of them. Or worse -  _ become like them. _

Fred and George shuddered. That there was nightmare material.

Regardless, if one was looking at Percy’s bedroom in the middle of the night, they would be… startled, to say the least. Rather than say, sleep, the pretentious redhead was curled up into a ball in the corner of the room, murmuring to himself in the way only people affected by the full moon do. 

“It’s okay…. They may forget you but I never will….” the hisses stood out like a gong in a nursing home, “I will love you forever, little brother.” Percy pressed his cheek to the painfully yellow tape covering a very mangled Takumi, the old one, that is.

“PERCY!” Said redhead startled at the sound of his mother’s voice from the kitchen. He looked at Takumi, aware, on some level, the absurdity of his actions and placed Takumi on his study table.

“Coming Mother!” He called, descending the stairs.

Yes, just another Christmas at the Burrow. 


End file.
